.. those thoughts.

sunday has always been my most hated day;
just because the next day is monday.
so yesterday was indeed a terrible, and really upsetting day.
i don't know whether it's because i'm unknowingly going through the 14days before my period, or it's because i'm really really upset.
in any case, i felt better today, that monday is almost over, which means my "Task#1 Psych Test", is over. Next coming up is my problem solving phonology homework due tomorrow morning, and then comes work. Yet, at the same time, I have to bear in mind of a 7pages research paper due friday, and a midterm on thursday, and journal and observation and curriculum plan on wednesday, AND already have interviewed a credible person for my research paper by thursday, AND squeeze time to drive to downtown LA to make time for dinner with my mum, AND still keeping in mind that my activity plan sheet for my club is due soon, AND still have to work 15 hours, AND .. all the miscellaneous stuffs my mum wants me to do before she leaves on FRIDAY NIGHT, ..
i'm sorry. i didn't mean to blabber on and on and 'boast' of my 'things to do'.
sometimes i just find my blog as an outlet of my very unstable emotions. and i really don't intend to stumble anyone or seek for sympathy.
i know many times, or perhaps, most times, i am indeed very emotional in my entries..
but i guess , it's when you're in that pits that inspiration comes, that, you just form an endless string of words, and sentences, and paragraphs, and entries.
i hope you won't find it hard reading all these, but i am honestly very troubled.
i am really troubled.
and my mind is constantly thinking things, and it just sinks my soul. and i know ..
it's time to set my mind on the things which are above, the lord that is.
but often, i'm just ashamed to turn. so ashamed that i failed his proving of my faith.

anyways. since i'm better today, let me just share with you a teeny part of my inspirations i had recently.

many things troubled me recently.
and these are all because of my ugly self. my really ugly being.
i realized how fallen, and ugly i am. like, everything about me.
this is why i feel so intimidated to turn to Him, because He is so perfect.
(even though He wants us to be perfect because the Father is perfect)
but,
i feel like, there's nobody else in this world as horrible as i am, as complicated as i am.
i feel so unhappy. and so dissatisfied with all the things around me.
it's all my problem.
it's all about me.
it's all from within me.
my peculiarities.

anyways. that wasn't my insipration.
so, recently with my circumstance, i have been 'pushed', or say 'persuaded' to NOT pursue masters and my DREAMS to be a speech-language pathologist AND get married.

in this case, it seemed like it's diverting to a financially capable man who can love me, and provide for the rest of my life. and, i know that person. and, it's totally possible.
know what i mean?

OKAY, "GREAT". i mean, GETTING MARRIED has ALWAYS been my BIGGEST dreams.
but.
i REALLY want an original love story.
i really want my career as a speech therapist.
i really do not want to depend fully on my husband financially.
i really have a lot of preferences.
i really am so picky.
i really have so many peculiarities.
i am so complicated.
haha.

oh wells.
actually, what really feared me was that .. what if he is the one?
and you know. it's like..
we all know that love grows.
and yea.
i really do not want that.
cus, it's like..
letting my heart fall for someone that my mind does not want to fall.
it's like.
i do not want to fall in love with someone that my mind does not love.

there are many reasons, many differences.
but these 2 are really important.

1) he's not a brother from the recovery, yet.
(cus im going to refer him to an elder)

2) i don't 'like' him in that way.

see. how very complicated.
but, it even comes to a point where people 'tell' me that 'my dreams' of getting a perfect husband who loves me for what i am, and who will rub and touch my tummy when i'm pregnant, and, is thoughtful, and, not calculative, IS RARE and almost, NON-EXISTENT.
but why do i always believe i will end up with someone that rare?
why do i always think that love is perfect, and love conquers all?
why am i always so hopeful?
i know partly is because of dramas, and partly is because of pursuing the same goal(NJ), and another part is because i know God's Love will reign in us, and He is the head. so, there's ALWAYS a hope for happily ever after.
i mean, that's why we're His coming bridegroom! right?
and when we're in New Jerusalem, we literally LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
oh wells.

so anws. people convince me to grab whoever wants me. (-.-')
cus there won't be a lot who will accept me for who i am.
and that if this person wants me, then, i should just.. comply?


!!
but is it true that life is unpredictable?

sigh.
if i end up with him, .. i, will be like a caged bird in indonesia.